What it Cost Dean?
by monkeymuse
Summary: What was Dean thinking as he fought Adam? Spoilers for Jump the Shark... Be warned. A few F bombs in here also. Hence the M rating. No beta


The blood roared in his head as his blows landed one after the other. No clear thoughts were in his mind as his felt the face smash under the cudgel that he used. His gun lay only a few feet from his hands, he could have reached for it. But he wanted to pound that face in with his bare fucking hands. The face of his youngest brother…. The memories that he had of his father of his life… he wanted to destroy them. Had to destroy them.. Had to be free of the rage, jealousy. What the Fuck made Adam so special.

Minutes before……. Dean entered the house to find Sam trapped on the table with the Ghouls bleeding his and torturing him. Dean's only thoughts to save his brother. Sammy's in trouble found Adam his dead so his b=mom got to get to my Sammy before it's too late. As he heard Sam tell him that they were ghouls he started taking head shots. But when he turns the gun on Adam he missed was tackled and the gun fell from his hands. Oh shit he thought for only a second. Then he picked up the lamp from the floor where it had fallen during the fight. Dean raised it above his brother's face and let it fall again and again into the face of the kid who was his brother. His father's NORMAL fucking son. His normal little fucking as the idea hit Dean he lost it. He knew Sam needed him at some level of his mind but he just did not care. All the rage and hate of the life that he had been forced into came out at the ghoul. Dad took you to a baseball game, camping. CRACK all those photos of you guys living a happy Joe normal live while Sam and I were leave behind in some shit motel. SO daddy could have a double life. It sucked enough thinking he was hunting now…BAM but now I know he left us. Just like ever one leaves us. He would be gone for weeks and for what so he could be with you? Live a life with your mom. Fuck I starved so Sammy could eat and I had to take care of Sammy when he was sick. Where was dad for me then.. HUH With you????? BAM CRACK Why not take Sammy to a game? He wanted normal DAD!!! Why not give Sammy a normal life?? We were always so scared. Never knowing if or when dad was coming home. Never knowing if we would have enough food to eat. I had to watch my little brother cry himself to sleep over being hungry, wanting his daddy, wanting to be normal. I was the only one to be there for him when he had nightmares. I gave up my childhood to take care of Sam and you dad. For what so you could play house with some other SON! FUCK YOU DAD! SMASH why could you not love us like that dad? Why could you not love me enough? I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD!!!! It was just never enough never good enough. But Adam he was good enough. He was your golden boy. CRUCNH

Slowing as the face disappeared into the bloody mess that covered the floor, Dean heard Sammy call his name. "Dean" Sam's pain filled cry was the only thing that pulled Dean back from the edge he was looking over. Sammy needs me! I am the only one that takes care of Sammy. No one else has ever taken care of him but me since mom died. It's just me and Sammy against everything else. Dean turns his head to look for his little brother. The brother who everyone tells him he should watch out for, in one way or the other. Protect Sam, Save Sam, Kill Sam; Dean was so sick of everyone thinking he had to do everything. All he had to do was LOVE Sam that is all that mattered to him. All the pain and shit that their family had caused them in the past. This all started with mom making a deal to save Dad. Who had to pay that price? SAMMY!!!! A fucking baby that's who. No one wanted to look at that way. Sammy never asked for this. All he wanted was to live life and that is what Dean had tried so hard to let him do. 'I tried so hard to protect you Sammy'

As Dean cut the ropes holding his brother down he knew that in their lives the only thing they truly had was each other. The two of them loved each other and to hell with everything else. As long as they had each other that was all that they needed. Dean smiled as he watched Sam sit up, wrapping his forearms. We will be fine Sammy. He thought As long as we stay together we will be fine. I will save you and you will save me. The rest will just have to fall in line with that. Because we are brothers and that is all we need… All we ever had... As he thinks this his hand wraps around his necklace. The one meant for his dad, but given to him. The only person to every really love Sam Winchester.

Later that night as the flames eat away at the body of his fallen youngest brother, one he had never gotten to know. Dean felt nothing. He was frozen inside, numb. He and Sam stood watching the flames. As they burned themselves out Dean felt the last of his guilt over his father's death fade with them. His long held hero worship dying with the flames. As the harsh reality of who and what his father was became clear to the man who looked into the flames. John Winchester, Hunter, Father, Superhero. The man who he had called a hero on more than once occasion, the man that could do no wrong in the eyes of Dean Winchester. The man who he had tried his whole life to be like in every way. Turn out to be just a mortal man with all the flaws that could with it and Dean's world would never be the same.


End file.
